Yay. It is almost Saturday. Ok, I lied to myself just then--It is Saturday. I was considering retiring to bed at a decent hour and not blogging for the night, but then I remembered the promise I made to myself (and my fans) that I would blog daily. In my mind it is still Friday, so please consider this blog as being posted on Friday and not the wee hours of Saturday morning. It's been an eventful night: I've managed to consume a steak (with a bone in it, which I managed not to eat), consume a champion-sized long island iced tea, and apply a temporary tattoo of a drum set: of which the drums are composed of skull heads. Hooray. As I managed to proceed through my nightly events, I couldn't help but think of the incredible academic accomplishments I would achieve in the next 48-72 hours. All lies. Every college student dreams of the weekend as a time to catch up: a time to do the homework you so easily failed to do while you were out at your weekly Wednesday night beer club. I will admit, however, that no matter how hard I dream of becoming a champion of the weekend warrior homework-catch-up club, I weekly fail to gain my worthiness into this elite group. I feel that, despite my lackluster efforts, I am not alone in often times wasting my weekend away catching up on the latest episodes of "Hey Arnold" and "Seinfeld", so I have composed a list of ways to ensure your weekend is an educational success.
1. Turn off the TV. The title pretty much says it all here. Despite the fact that you would like to watch that re-run of the movie, "The Wedding Singer", on E!, let's face it: you've seen it a million times before and you could practically recite Adam Sandler's lines in your sleep. I'm a guilty offender of this excuse not to do my homework. I mean who doesn't want to watch George, an individual who is of questionable gender, play both the clarinet and the trombone within the same song. It's pretty impressive how multi-talented he/she is.
2. Taking a nap. Who doesn't love a good nap these days? Despite the fact that, midday after your long night with that girl you hooked up with at the bar, you want a nap, resist the urge to do so. Besides, if you resist the urges to take a nap you are so desperately feeling now, maybe you can channel those same urges into the activities you and the whore you will so willingly go home with later that night will partake in. Smart move, my friend.
3. Organizing your notebook. Despite the fact that your pages of notes are completely out of order, take it from experience that reorganizing them will not make you learn the material, it will only waste your time. It is so easy to lie to yourself and think, "I'm as disorganized as Rihanna's thought process after Chris Brown smacked her silly", and then suddenly spend the next hour or so reorganizing your notebook to only "enhance" your homework/study experience once you finally get to it. Despite the fact that you now have all your ducks in a row, you are still putting off studying for that exam Monday like a Jew puts off Christmas: they just don't want it to come.
4. Family time. It's so funny how, during the week, we want nothing to do with our family back home in hicks-ville, Illinois, but yet when it comes time to buckle down on the weekend and get some homework done we are suddenly itching to call home and see how aunt Jennine's surgery to fix that twitch she did with her eye went. I mean, call during the week and tell us Grandpa Joe had another bad bout of the shits and we, well, couldn't give a shit, but call on the weekend and tell us Grandma Josephine stubbed her toe on the ottoman and we're suddenly driving home in a heartbeat to wish her well in her state of recovery.
5. Going out. It's funny how during the week getting alot done means what it sounds like: getting alot done. Then the weekend rolls around: a time when getting alot done suddenly means opening the main zipper on your book-bag or lifting your Music History book from your bookshelf to your desk. A time when going out is acceptable only because of the lame excuses we all make for the "academic progress" made throughout the day. Studying Calculus suddenly becomes synonymous with waking up at three, throwing up for the next 45 minutes, taking a shower for the next 10, finding your study guide in the mess of papers you've accumulated the week before, and getting dressed. For some reason I, the outside observer, failed to notice the part where you actually sat down and studied what the derivative of 2x-squared is, but yet you find it justifiable to go out and drink 2x-squared drinks... a math major after my own heart. Cheers to the 1.5 ounces of tequila you are about to choke down with that lime and salt that you've so cleverly drizzled on that girls lower abdomen. Pythagoras would be proud.
There are obviously a number of other excuses made to avoid homework on a Friday night, or better yet all weekend, but I myself am tired of writing about them and would rather go to bed. Perhaps my number six entry would be blogging: I mean I could've gotten a few problems completed in Abstract Algebra in the time it took me to write this uneventful entry, but instead I decided to babble on to no end and bore my fan base of twelve. (I love each and every one of you) Let me try to worm my way out of the rest of this blog by saying: "My Internet was down", or the infamous, "The site wouldn't let me log on", and hope that you, like you so often hope your teachers will, buy it. I'm suddenly losing my Internet connection... must go!
XOXO,
Matt
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Pop Goes the Pimple
Well, I've managed to procrastinate beginning this blog now for the last hour: watching YouTube clips of Ellen for inspiration, eating more than the suggested serving of Oreos, dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool, etc. etc. etc... It's almost as if writing today's entry has become more of a chore for me, kind of like that time you didn't really want to go get that rash on your right butt cheek checked out at the clinic but you knew you had to anyway because it was starting to spread to your taint area faster than you could say "Chlamydia". I don't want my writing to become unenjoyable for me, afterall, it's the only thing that keeps me going in my chaotic life full of multi-hour naps and marathons of "America's Next Top Model." Well, it, and the fact that I, without being too obvious, can walk across the entire quad without ever stepping on a crack keep me going.
It's so interesting how we are all so diverse from one another, yet we try to put up a facade that we are nearly identical in our day-to-day actions. Even I, in avoiding all the cracks on the pavement from time to time, try to make my diverseness as unnoticeable as possible. I mean, why not let the world know that underneath those designer jeans you're wearing leather underwear just because you like the way they feel: to each man his own. Sometimes I wish I was the "norm", because then I wouldn't have to try to hide my strange habits that make me the "not-norm", like making funny faces at myself in the mirror and tugging at my jeans every five seconds to make sure the bottom cuff is resting gently on my shoe and not announcing my fear of the upcoming flood. However, I think no matter how hard you try to cover up the fact that you've just popped a massive whitehead in the school bathroom, people can usually tell by the bleeding hole on the tip of your nose. It's these little things we all do, contrary to the "norm", that make each day fun, exciting, and possibly the occasional scary.
1. Clicking or chewing your pen or pencil. Thank god Mr. Bic created the mechanical pencil and the retractable pen, I mean, what a laborsome task it must've been for my grandparent's generation to actually take the cap off of their pen or walk to the pencil sharpener and do the equivalent to churning butter just to get a refined tip on the end of their #2. However, I am not a huge fan of the obsessive pen clicker, or that guy that insists on removing the 2-inch long graphite rods from his pencil and then accidentally droping them on the floor, looking to you as if it's now your job to pick up the minuscule pieces and return them to him. This, my friends, is a habit I am not a fan of. And there's nothing worse than loaning someone your pen or pencil in class only to look over ten minutes later and see that they are now giving it a blowjob. Sick.
2. Playing the drums [via your desk]. I myself was a percussionist back in high school and love hearing a good beat, but when I'm trying to focus on finishing my exam in the last five minutes of class or finishing a science project on the female reproductive system in the library, I would rather not listen to the drum part to the song you're "jamming" to on your iPod. I'm sure it sounds really good when it's played on actual drums and put together with the rest of the band, but keep in mind, to the rest of us listening all we can hear is the "ting" of the chair you're whacking that chewed up pen off of and your wet sneaker squeaking on the floor as you play your invisible hi-hat. This is a niche-niche.
3. Popping pimples. I'm guilty of picking at my face from time to time, I mean afterall, I'd rather have a flesh-colored scab than the glaring white dot that occupied the same place on my face prior to extraction. I am not, however, guilty of popping a zit in public restrooms like some people are. I mean, there's nothing worse than going on a blind date only to notice that after your date has returned from their trip to the restroom they now have a drop of blood dripping down their right cheek. What, did they cut themselves urinating? If you must pick at your face in public, be gentle, nothing is more awkward for the rest of us than battling our inner turmoil of whether to notify you of the plasma now oozing from your wound or to ignore it.
4. Chewing nails. I've never been a fan of chewing my nails and frankly I'm not sure why anyone is. I mean, think about all the places those fingers have been throughout the day: wiping your anus, shaking other's hands that didn't wash their hands after wiping their anus, touching a doorknob that someone else touched that didn't wash their hands after wiping their anus, etc. You get the picture, right? Don't do it... it's gross.
*This is a sidenote to my list, but I just googled "bad habits" to get some more ideas, and two of the bad habits I read were: "Assuming that you'll be able to pull out in time" and "Chronic masturbation." What a classy list I've stumbled upon. Joy.
5. Mouth noises. That's great that you can make that cool little clicky sound with your tongue and when you flick the side of your cheek it sounds like a drop of water landing in a sink, but unless you're going to put those lips to good use, like complimenting my new shirt from Express, you can shut it.
6. Avoiding cracks. I'm not talking about the kind of crack that is at the moment devouring your underwear, possibly never to be retrieved, I'm talking about the cracks on a sidewalk. I am guilty of this little pleasure. I mean I'm not too obsessed with steering clear of the little crevices, but it is quite the fun little game, you should try it sometime. The trick here is to take even enough step sizes to where you don't look intoxicated or under the influence of an illegal drug at 10:30 in the morning but still avoid the cracks and manage not to walk into anyone coming in the other direction, or a parked car for that matter.
7. Looking at your reflection. Every one who is at all mildly narcissistic is guilty of this strange obsession, so naturally, I often frequent the routes that will get me to my destination while at the same time taking me by as many shiny windows as possible. Granted you've worn those pants a hundred times before and the shirt you're wearing is about the hottest thing since a nun's crotch, you still have the urge to look at yourself as often as possible to make sure your ass hasn't doubled in size since you left home that morning. I find to hide this embarrassing obsession the best thing to do is, after looking at your reflection, look in virtually every direction your head will turn so that anyone that may have seen you checking yourself out will now just think you are a very observant person. (or even stranger than they previously thought)
8. Facebook creeping. Perhaps this is the most commonly violated offense on my list, and yet we all try to hide the fact we are guilty of it. It's "cool" to admit you waste half your life away on Facebook, but when someone catches wind that you were "creeping" on your ex-best friend's page for nearly an hour last night and found out that she had an abortion, you're suddenly looked at in a different light. When someone asks you if you heard that Jimmy is in a relationship with that gross girl from high school that everyone thought was a man it's ok to say, "Yeah, I did hear that", but it's sometimes frowned upon if your face lights up like you just found out tomorrow was free grand slam breakfast day at Ihop and shout, "Oh my god I know, I saw that on Facebook!" So creep within reasons, friend, and keep your obsessions with people you have never even spoken to to yourself.
Well, I didn't want to write this blog, and I'm no more excited about it now. All I really want to do is go check myself out in a mirror, pick at any blemishes I may have, and go to bed. I'm curious, though: What are some of the strange habits or things you do everyday that may not be of the "norm" we so often pretend to be? Internet porn? Anime cartoons? Listening to Celine Dion's "All By Myself" on repeat for an unhealthy amount of time? Chime in, fellow fans, I'm beginning to think I am "All By Myself" in this whole blogging thing! Remember: if you chew with your mouth open at dinner, wake up annoyingly perky, or play your thighs as if they were a set of African bongos you may push my patience to its breaking point, but nonetheless you should still be yourself everyday, it's what keeps life interesting.
Fondly,
Matt
It's so interesting how we are all so diverse from one another, yet we try to put up a facade that we are nearly identical in our day-to-day actions. Even I, in avoiding all the cracks on the pavement from time to time, try to make my diverseness as unnoticeable as possible. I mean, why not let the world know that underneath those designer jeans you're wearing leather underwear just because you like the way they feel: to each man his own. Sometimes I wish I was the "norm", because then I wouldn't have to try to hide my strange habits that make me the "not-norm", like making funny faces at myself in the mirror and tugging at my jeans every five seconds to make sure the bottom cuff is resting gently on my shoe and not announcing my fear of the upcoming flood. However, I think no matter how hard you try to cover up the fact that you've just popped a massive whitehead in the school bathroom, people can usually tell by the bleeding hole on the tip of your nose. It's these little things we all do, contrary to the "norm", that make each day fun, exciting, and possibly the occasional scary.
1. Clicking or chewing your pen or pencil. Thank god Mr. Bic created the mechanical pencil and the retractable pen, I mean, what a laborsome task it must've been for my grandparent's generation to actually take the cap off of their pen or walk to the pencil sharpener and do the equivalent to churning butter just to get a refined tip on the end of their #2. However, I am not a huge fan of the obsessive pen clicker, or that guy that insists on removing the 2-inch long graphite rods from his pencil and then accidentally droping them on the floor, looking to you as if it's now your job to pick up the minuscule pieces and return them to him. This, my friends, is a habit I am not a fan of. And there's nothing worse than loaning someone your pen or pencil in class only to look over ten minutes later and see that they are now giving it a blowjob. Sick.
2. Playing the drums [via your desk]. I myself was a percussionist back in high school and love hearing a good beat, but when I'm trying to focus on finishing my exam in the last five minutes of class or finishing a science project on the female reproductive system in the library, I would rather not listen to the drum part to the song you're "jamming" to on your iPod. I'm sure it sounds really good when it's played on actual drums and put together with the rest of the band, but keep in mind, to the rest of us listening all we can hear is the "ting" of the chair you're whacking that chewed up pen off of and your wet sneaker squeaking on the floor as you play your invisible hi-hat. This is a niche-niche.
3. Popping pimples. I'm guilty of picking at my face from time to time, I mean afterall, I'd rather have a flesh-colored scab than the glaring white dot that occupied the same place on my face prior to extraction. I am not, however, guilty of popping a zit in public restrooms like some people are. I mean, there's nothing worse than going on a blind date only to notice that after your date has returned from their trip to the restroom they now have a drop of blood dripping down their right cheek. What, did they cut themselves urinating? If you must pick at your face in public, be gentle, nothing is more awkward for the rest of us than battling our inner turmoil of whether to notify you of the plasma now oozing from your wound or to ignore it.
4. Chewing nails. I've never been a fan of chewing my nails and frankly I'm not sure why anyone is. I mean, think about all the places those fingers have been throughout the day: wiping your anus, shaking other's hands that didn't wash their hands after wiping their anus, touching a doorknob that someone else touched that didn't wash their hands after wiping their anus, etc. You get the picture, right? Don't do it... it's gross.
*This is a sidenote to my list, but I just googled "bad habits" to get some more ideas, and two of the bad habits I read were: "Assuming that you'll be able to pull out in time" and "Chronic masturbation." What a classy list I've stumbled upon. Joy.
5. Mouth noises. That's great that you can make that cool little clicky sound with your tongue and when you flick the side of your cheek it sounds like a drop of water landing in a sink, but unless you're going to put those lips to good use, like complimenting my new shirt from Express, you can shut it.
6. Avoiding cracks. I'm not talking about the kind of crack that is at the moment devouring your underwear, possibly never to be retrieved, I'm talking about the cracks on a sidewalk. I am guilty of this little pleasure. I mean I'm not too obsessed with steering clear of the little crevices, but it is quite the fun little game, you should try it sometime. The trick here is to take even enough step sizes to where you don't look intoxicated or under the influence of an illegal drug at 10:30 in the morning but still avoid the cracks and manage not to walk into anyone coming in the other direction, or a parked car for that matter.
7. Looking at your reflection. Every one who is at all mildly narcissistic is guilty of this strange obsession, so naturally, I often frequent the routes that will get me to my destination while at the same time taking me by as many shiny windows as possible. Granted you've worn those pants a hundred times before and the shirt you're wearing is about the hottest thing since a nun's crotch, you still have the urge to look at yourself as often as possible to make sure your ass hasn't doubled in size since you left home that morning. I find to hide this embarrassing obsession the best thing to do is, after looking at your reflection, look in virtually every direction your head will turn so that anyone that may have seen you checking yourself out will now just think you are a very observant person. (or even stranger than they previously thought)
8. Facebook creeping. Perhaps this is the most commonly violated offense on my list, and yet we all try to hide the fact we are guilty of it. It's "cool" to admit you waste half your life away on Facebook, but when someone catches wind that you were "creeping" on your ex-best friend's page for nearly an hour last night and found out that she had an abortion, you're suddenly looked at in a different light. When someone asks you if you heard that Jimmy is in a relationship with that gross girl from high school that everyone thought was a man it's ok to say, "Yeah, I did hear that", but it's sometimes frowned upon if your face lights up like you just found out tomorrow was free grand slam breakfast day at Ihop and shout, "Oh my god I know, I saw that on Facebook!" So creep within reasons, friend, and keep your obsessions with people you have never even spoken to to yourself.
Well, I didn't want to write this blog, and I'm no more excited about it now. All I really want to do is go check myself out in a mirror, pick at any blemishes I may have, and go to bed. I'm curious, though: What are some of the strange habits or things you do everyday that may not be of the "norm" we so often pretend to be? Internet porn? Anime cartoons? Listening to Celine Dion's "All By Myself" on repeat for an unhealthy amount of time? Chime in, fellow fans, I'm beginning to think I am "All By Myself" in this whole blogging thing! Remember: if you chew with your mouth open at dinner, wake up annoyingly perky, or play your thighs as if they were a set of African bongos you may push my patience to its breaking point, but nonetheless you should still be yourself everyday, it's what keeps life interesting.
Fondly,
Matt
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
"Dubya"
Great news, readers: God is officially a fan of my blog. I'm not sure if she's tuning in on a regular basis, but I was blessed with so many little things today that I'm concluding she is. God was so proud of me for encouraging my readers to smile at the good in life that she leaned over to Jesus and said, "This kid's the shit, let's make his day incredible". Between my night class being canceled, my teacher announcing he wouldn't collect the homework [I failed to do] until Monday, and me buying myself flowers from Kroger, I had a lot to smile about. I mean, sure, it would've been nice to have actually made it to the classes that weren't canceled on time and for the petals to have actually remained attached to the flowers when I dropped them on the floor, but I'm trying to take my own advice and look on the plus side. You should be happy too, because without my night class being cancelled I don't think I would've been able to write the quality entry that this is not shaping up to be. Smile.
Since starting this blog my days consist of me alternating between real world and blog world: trying to boil up new ideas for what I will so eloquently address later in the day while at the same time catching up on old reruns of "Three's Company". Today, however, I am totally speechless. I'm not talking about the kind of speechless George "Dubya" Bush experienced in the middle of the majority of his speeches he gave as leader of our country, I'm talking about the kind of speechless you are when you've just made fun of someone's, unknowingly to you, recently deceased relative: you don't even know where to start. I pondered blogging about a more serious topic like the earthquake in Haiti, the changing morals of adolescents today, or the tragic death of Anna Nicole Smith, but then I thought: nah. What do you do when you don't know what to say, when you're totally speechless like after awkward sex with someone you barely know? If you think saying, "So how about those Cubbies," or, "I've been loving the weather lately," is going to make the situation you're currently in: lying naked next to someone whose first name is, at the moment, escaping you, any less awkward: you're wrong. Allow me to help you get out of those sticky (literally in this example) situations when you are completely and utterly speechless.
1. Getting Pulled Over. I know from [a lot of] experience that getting pulled over is neither fun nor a time to be chatty, but I think perhaps saying just the right thing may be the ticket needed to work your way out of that drunk driving arrest. Phrases like, "Hey, if you want a beer I have more under my seat," or, "You remind me of Paul Blart, that mall cop," are probably not exactly the right thing to say, but make the arresting officer feel good about himself or slightly uncomfortable and he may let you off scotch free. Suggested phrases to flatter the men in blue include: "Is that your nightstick in your pants, or are you just happy to see me", "If I didn't know better, I'd say I was in Mayberry: you look just like a hot Andy Griffith", or, "I hope there's a strip search involved." (This last one works especially well if you are of the "overweight" ethnicity.)
2. Losing your place in a conversation. You're talking with friends at a party when all of a sudden you remember you forgot to Tivo the new episode of "The Little Couple" and it's already half over. Your mind is so preoccupied wondering if Jen's eggs are harvest-able to have a surrogate mother carry her "little child" that you have no idea what the hell anyone at the party is talking about. Then it happens, your neighbor turns to you and says, "What do you think about it," and a silent hush falls over the room. This is a tricky one, and the best way to worm your way out of the awkward situation you've so beautifully landed yourself in is to turn the table on them. A suggested phrase goes something like this: "What do I think about it? What do I think about it?"(repeated a second time for dramatic effect, emphasizing the words "I" and "it") "I think you people are some of the lowest individuals I have ever met, always gossip this and gossip that; it really disgusts me sometimes." At which point they will reply, "What? We were talking about how sad it is that Jen on "The Little Couple" is no longer a candidate to receive a surrogate mother."
3. Daydreaming in class. There you are, sitting in cultural anthropology daydreaming about that "Girls Gone Wild" video coming in the mail today you so frugally purchased on eBay, when it happens: you suddenly realize the girl in your dream waving her tassels in your face is not shouting your name, your teacher is. You snap out of it, just missing the "barely legal" portion of the dream, and hear her once again repeat the question: "What are your views on the treatment of Muslim women living in America today?" Having not done the reading last night, and really not giving a damn about the treatment of Muslim women, you begin to panic: a single bead of sweat forming right between your eyebrows. To get out of this awkward situation it is important to say something that sounds intelligible, but really doesn't answer the question: ensuring your correctness. I might suggest this: "I think this is a titillating topic, and I really haven't developed my own opinion on it yet as I haven't seen enough women to justify my answer." Not only will the teacher be impressed with this response, but you have managed to continue your daydream into reality: using words like titillating, women, and thinking of developing eighteen year olds. Bravo, friend.
4. Death. No one would make fun of a recently deceased individual, unless we're speaking of Michael Jackson of course, but sometimes we find ourselves making fun of someone we didn't know was dead, only to be informed as we, but no one else, chuckle, that he or she has bit the dust. Friends, this is perhaps one of the hardest situations to dig yourself out of, almost as hard as that time you shouted the wrong name in bed with your girlfriend of eight months. The key here is to pretend you meant to say what you said, you just used the wrong tense of a verb. "Did I say he IS a sick son of a bitch? I meant to say he WAS a sick son of a bitch. I mean, he was so sick from that bad herpes infection that it claimed his life; God rest his soul." It is important after saying this to close your eyes, shake your head slowly back and forth, and purse your lips tightly together in a semi-frown, as if to be reflecting on what a wonderful person your deceased friend was. This will fool them every time if done correctly.
Well, friends, I'm back. Most of you probably never knew I left, but I just returned from Wednesday night drinks with a dear friend. (It's sort of a ritual we have going.) I may have found myself grabbing for words I wasn't ready to say at the bar, but using my own advice to get myself out of those awkward situations I managed to survive. I hope you continue to take my advice, as that beautiful black woman in heaven we all call "God" does, to improve your lives each day: one awkward moment, one speechless phrase, and one little miracle that makes you smile at a time. And remember, that cop that just pulled you over: all he wants to hear is that you fancy his large nightstick.
Much love,
Matt
Since starting this blog my days consist of me alternating between real world and blog world: trying to boil up new ideas for what I will so eloquently address later in the day while at the same time catching up on old reruns of "Three's Company". Today, however, I am totally speechless. I'm not talking about the kind of speechless George "Dubya" Bush experienced in the middle of the majority of his speeches he gave as leader of our country, I'm talking about the kind of speechless you are when you've just made fun of someone's, unknowingly to you, recently deceased relative: you don't even know where to start. I pondered blogging about a more serious topic like the earthquake in Haiti, the changing morals of adolescents today, or the tragic death of Anna Nicole Smith, but then I thought: nah. What do you do when you don't know what to say, when you're totally speechless like after awkward sex with someone you barely know? If you think saying, "So how about those Cubbies," or, "I've been loving the weather lately," is going to make the situation you're currently in: lying naked next to someone whose first name is, at the moment, escaping you, any less awkward: you're wrong. Allow me to help you get out of those sticky (literally in this example) situations when you are completely and utterly speechless.
1. Getting Pulled Over. I know from [a lot of] experience that getting pulled over is neither fun nor a time to be chatty, but I think perhaps saying just the right thing may be the ticket needed to work your way out of that drunk driving arrest. Phrases like, "Hey, if you want a beer I have more under my seat," or, "You remind me of Paul Blart, that mall cop," are probably not exactly the right thing to say, but make the arresting officer feel good about himself or slightly uncomfortable and he may let you off scotch free. Suggested phrases to flatter the men in blue include: "Is that your nightstick in your pants, or are you just happy to see me", "If I didn't know better, I'd say I was in Mayberry: you look just like a hot Andy Griffith", or, "I hope there's a strip search involved." (This last one works especially well if you are of the "overweight" ethnicity.)
2. Losing your place in a conversation. You're talking with friends at a party when all of a sudden you remember you forgot to Tivo the new episode of "The Little Couple" and it's already half over. Your mind is so preoccupied wondering if Jen's eggs are harvest-able to have a surrogate mother carry her "little child" that you have no idea what the hell anyone at the party is talking about. Then it happens, your neighbor turns to you and says, "What do you think about it," and a silent hush falls over the room. This is a tricky one, and the best way to worm your way out of the awkward situation you've so beautifully landed yourself in is to turn the table on them. A suggested phrase goes something like this: "What do I think about it? What do I think about it?"(repeated a second time for dramatic effect, emphasizing the words "I" and "it") "I think you people are some of the lowest individuals I have ever met, always gossip this and gossip that; it really disgusts me sometimes." At which point they will reply, "What? We were talking about how sad it is that Jen on "The Little Couple" is no longer a candidate to receive a surrogate mother."
3. Daydreaming in class. There you are, sitting in cultural anthropology daydreaming about that "Girls Gone Wild" video coming in the mail today you so frugally purchased on eBay, when it happens: you suddenly realize the girl in your dream waving her tassels in your face is not shouting your name, your teacher is. You snap out of it, just missing the "barely legal" portion of the dream, and hear her once again repeat the question: "What are your views on the treatment of Muslim women living in America today?" Having not done the reading last night, and really not giving a damn about the treatment of Muslim women, you begin to panic: a single bead of sweat forming right between your eyebrows. To get out of this awkward situation it is important to say something that sounds intelligible, but really doesn't answer the question: ensuring your correctness. I might suggest this: "I think this is a titillating topic, and I really haven't developed my own opinion on it yet as I haven't seen enough women to justify my answer." Not only will the teacher be impressed with this response, but you have managed to continue your daydream into reality: using words like titillating, women, and thinking of developing eighteen year olds. Bravo, friend.
4. Death. No one would make fun of a recently deceased individual, unless we're speaking of Michael Jackson of course, but sometimes we find ourselves making fun of someone we didn't know was dead, only to be informed as we, but no one else, chuckle, that he or she has bit the dust. Friends, this is perhaps one of the hardest situations to dig yourself out of, almost as hard as that time you shouted the wrong name in bed with your girlfriend of eight months. The key here is to pretend you meant to say what you said, you just used the wrong tense of a verb. "Did I say he IS a sick son of a bitch? I meant to say he WAS a sick son of a bitch. I mean, he was so sick from that bad herpes infection that it claimed his life; God rest his soul." It is important after saying this to close your eyes, shake your head slowly back and forth, and purse your lips tightly together in a semi-frown, as if to be reflecting on what a wonderful person your deceased friend was. This will fool them every time if done correctly.
Well, friends, I'm back. Most of you probably never knew I left, but I just returned from Wednesday night drinks with a dear friend. (It's sort of a ritual we have going.) I may have found myself grabbing for words I wasn't ready to say at the bar, but using my own advice to get myself out of those awkward situations I managed to survive. I hope you continue to take my advice, as that beautiful black woman in heaven we all call "God" does, to improve your lives each day: one awkward moment, one speechless phrase, and one little miracle that makes you smile at a time. And remember, that cop that just pulled you over: all he wants to hear is that you fancy his large nightstick.
Much love,
Matt
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Pepto Bismol, anyone?
I have come to the realization that I have too much on my plate this semester. I'm not talking about a good too much on my plate, like when your eyes are bigger than your stomach and you take a bit too much dirt pudding at a buffet-style wedding reception, I'm talking a bad too much on my plate, like over-loading on the asparagus you didn't know was so horribly undercooked at your grandfather's funeral luncheon. Despite the fact I am carrying the weight of Linda Tripp on my shoulders these days, I hope to keep blogging, and I hope, no matter how many Rosie O'Donnell's you seem to be carrying, that you'll keep reading. Might I suggest you make reading my blog apart of your daily ritual: perhaps before you go to bed, but after you do your nightly Bible devotion. Reading the Bible right before will make you feel less sinful reading my blogs, and by going to bed right after I'll permit you to brag about sleeping with Matt. Deal.
Often times the more busy our lives get I feel we tend to ignore the little things that keep us going and put a smile on our face. I'm not talking about breathing and the beating of our hearts, anyone that says they are happy to be breathing clearly doesn't know how to have a good time. I'm talking about other things, like making it to Mcdonald's for breakfast before their prompt 10:30 (or sometimes 10:29) am cutoff time or seeing someone drop a stack of papers that are now blowing every which way as they frantically scramble to retrieve them: those are the types of things that make my day seem a little more tolerable. I suppose I could invite you to reflect upon the phrases that encourage enjoying the good in life: "Look on the bright side", "Every cloud has a silver lining"; but in my own opinion, hearing those "cute-sie" little phrases spouted off by someone older than my grandmother only seems to dishearten me even more. Besides, who wants to look at anything bright when you're still recovering from the tequila hangover thanks to Taco Tuesdays at Juan's the night before? I'll tell you who: no one. Even I am guilty of focusing on the fast-food restaurant worker's missing front teeth and failing to notice that she is employee of the month, but I encourage you, as I do myself, to notice the positive things that make life worth living for:
1. Mcdonalds' Breakfast. I ate Mcdonalds' breakfast today. I was so elated at my achievement of making it there before my usual 10:31 am arrival I could hardly speak when Taiesha responded to my question, "Are you still serving breakfast", with a less than enthused, "Uhh, Yea." I must have been conditioned right then and there to think Mcdonalds equals happiness, because I went there for a late lunch as well and now am sucking down Pepto Bismol like it's water. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea: Check.
2. Beer. Indubitably there is no need to look for the good in a cold bottle of beer, everyone knows beer typically equals happiness. (except perhaps when you wake up next to someone you thought was far more attractive than they are now all thanks to a series of Keystones you consumed the night before) But, what is the good in a spilled beer, you ask? If it is in fact Keystone that you're drinking, the good is that it spilled: horse piss with carbonation is still horse piss. If it is any other decent beer the good is that, although the bulk of your cold beer is now being licked up by your toy poodle, there's still that one, refreshing little bit of head left in the bottom of the bottle; and I've never heard of a guy that doesn't like a little head.
3. Birds. So often when we're driving on the interstate we fail to notice the beautiful flock of birds flying overhead and instead only focus on how frustrating it is that the idiot in front of us is not driving at the acceptable fifteen miles per hour over the speed limit. I encourage you to take a minute and enjoy the elegance of God's beautiful creatures. Disclaimer: Do not forget, however, that, while observing the fashionable wings of the tufted titmouse, you ARE still driving at a speed of around eighty miles per hour: crash into the median at that speed and the only beautiful thing you'll be seeing is the sexy hospital nurse who is about to shove a catheter into your urethral opening.
4. Compliments. I am a man who likes to pay people a compliment sometimes, but it seems more often than not we are too busy to stop, say thank you, and actually comprehend what the person just said to us. Sure, odds are the compliment about loving your new haircut that actually makes you look like Lloyd Christmas from "Dumb and Dumber" or how that shirt makes you look so slim when actually it accentuates your muffin top will be followed by some rude jokes said behind your back, but who cares, it should make you feel good nonetheless.
5. _________. Fill in the blank! What are the little things that make you happy? I, although very intelligent and quite good with words, can't be giving my readers the answers all of the time. I'm hoping you are taking the scholarly discussions we have had thus far and applying them to your life: holding nightly discussion groups about them, praying about them, etc. Afterall, learning does, in the end, take place from within. (At least that's how Sarah Palin's daughter explained she learned she was pregnant: it took place within.)
Well fellow blog lover, although I have enjoyed yet another session together, I'm off to bigger and better things for the night: There's an old Julia Roberts movie playing on lifetime and I think if I've measured correctly I have just enough citrus flavored vodka left to make an apple martini to go with my easy mac for dinner. I hope you, like me, continue to employ the ideas of my blog to your daily life and, in turn, become more perfect, like me. And remember, although it may be frustrating to have a birds poop smeared in a perfect semicircle by your windshield wipers, think of the beautiful creature that shat it. Makes me smile just thinking about it.
Peace out,
Matt
Often times the more busy our lives get I feel we tend to ignore the little things that keep us going and put a smile on our face. I'm not talking about breathing and the beating of our hearts, anyone that says they are happy to be breathing clearly doesn't know how to have a good time. I'm talking about other things, like making it to Mcdonald's for breakfast before their prompt 10:30 (or sometimes 10:29) am cutoff time or seeing someone drop a stack of papers that are now blowing every which way as they frantically scramble to retrieve them: those are the types of things that make my day seem a little more tolerable. I suppose I could invite you to reflect upon the phrases that encourage enjoying the good in life: "Look on the bright side", "Every cloud has a silver lining"; but in my own opinion, hearing those "cute-sie" little phrases spouted off by someone older than my grandmother only seems to dishearten me even more. Besides, who wants to look at anything bright when you're still recovering from the tequila hangover thanks to Taco Tuesdays at Juan's the night before? I'll tell you who: no one. Even I am guilty of focusing on the fast-food restaurant worker's missing front teeth and failing to notice that she is employee of the month, but I encourage you, as I do myself, to notice the positive things that make life worth living for:
1. Mcdonalds' Breakfast. I ate Mcdonalds' breakfast today. I was so elated at my achievement of making it there before my usual 10:31 am arrival I could hardly speak when Taiesha responded to my question, "Are you still serving breakfast", with a less than enthused, "Uhh, Yea." I must have been conditioned right then and there to think Mcdonalds equals happiness, because I went there for a late lunch as well and now am sucking down Pepto Bismol like it's water. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea: Check.
2. Beer. Indubitably there is no need to look for the good in a cold bottle of beer, everyone knows beer typically equals happiness. (except perhaps when you wake up next to someone you thought was far more attractive than they are now all thanks to a series of Keystones you consumed the night before) But, what is the good in a spilled beer, you ask? If it is in fact Keystone that you're drinking, the good is that it spilled: horse piss with carbonation is still horse piss. If it is any other decent beer the good is that, although the bulk of your cold beer is now being licked up by your toy poodle, there's still that one, refreshing little bit of head left in the bottom of the bottle; and I've never heard of a guy that doesn't like a little head.
3. Birds. So often when we're driving on the interstate we fail to notice the beautiful flock of birds flying overhead and instead only focus on how frustrating it is that the idiot in front of us is not driving at the acceptable fifteen miles per hour over the speed limit. I encourage you to take a minute and enjoy the elegance of God's beautiful creatures. Disclaimer: Do not forget, however, that, while observing the fashionable wings of the tufted titmouse, you ARE still driving at a speed of around eighty miles per hour: crash into the median at that speed and the only beautiful thing you'll be seeing is the sexy hospital nurse who is about to shove a catheter into your urethral opening.
4. Compliments. I am a man who likes to pay people a compliment sometimes, but it seems more often than not we are too busy to stop, say thank you, and actually comprehend what the person just said to us. Sure, odds are the compliment about loving your new haircut that actually makes you look like Lloyd Christmas from "Dumb and Dumber" or how that shirt makes you look so slim when actually it accentuates your muffin top will be followed by some rude jokes said behind your back, but who cares, it should make you feel good nonetheless.
5. _________. Fill in the blank! What are the little things that make you happy? I, although very intelligent and quite good with words, can't be giving my readers the answers all of the time. I'm hoping you are taking the scholarly discussions we have had thus far and applying them to your life: holding nightly discussion groups about them, praying about them, etc. Afterall, learning does, in the end, take place from within. (At least that's how Sarah Palin's daughter explained she learned she was pregnant: it took place within.)
Well fellow blog lover, although I have enjoyed yet another session together, I'm off to bigger and better things for the night: There's an old Julia Roberts movie playing on lifetime and I think if I've measured correctly I have just enough citrus flavored vodka left to make an apple martini to go with my easy mac for dinner. I hope you, like me, continue to employ the ideas of my blog to your daily life and, in turn, become more perfect, like me. And remember, although it may be frustrating to have a birds poop smeared in a perfect semicircle by your windshield wipers, think of the beautiful creature that shat it. Makes me smile just thinking about it.
Peace out,
Matt
Monday, February 22, 2010
Don't lose a finger up there!
I could barely sleep last night, still reeling from the excitement of posting my maiden blog entry and gaining a fan base of at least three including myself. Wow. I just kept thinking, this must be what Britney Spears felt like pre-meltdown a few years back: I'm uber-famous! I then continued to lie there, thinking of future blog entries, all the while mumbling the words to "Oops, I Did it Again", until I fell asleep. Sadly, I forgot all of my brilliant ideas by morning, however, I did wake up singing "Hit Me Baby One More Time", to which the maintenance worker in my apartment timidly replied, "Umm, I'm not really into that sort of thing." Who gave her a key anyway?
Stemming off of my "intellectual" discussion of life lessons I've learned in my twenty-one short years of existence, I began to think of how we are conditioned to act a certain way: what is cool, what is socially acceptable, etc. I mean, the way I see it, it seems I'm the only person that ever has to pick a wedgie or extract a booger from my nose. Is this the case, or are we all hiding these actions when we do them? When you're walking with a group of people down the hall and one of them slowly migrates to the back of the group, are their legs really too tired to keep up or do they fear the silent but deadly fart they are about to release may find its way into your nostrils if they remain in front? We are embarrassed at the normal, everyday things we all do, yet we flaunt the fact that we were so drunk the other night we woke up face down in a ditch the next morning with our pants around our ankles wearing a Mardi Gras mask. Saints win! Perhaps most people would like to keep the embarrassing things they do to themselves, but I think I will do the opposite, creating a list of some of my favorites I've both done and witnessed others doing.
1. Spitting. I like to pretend to be manly and spit every once in a while, but what is not manly is when the wad of spit ends up on both my chin and the front of the shirt I'm wearing. And don't even try to spit out of a moving car unless you've got some power behind it. Perhaps the worst, though, is spitting after drinking a big glass of milk, I'm sure you can imagine what that looks like. Have that dribbling from your chin and you'll get people talking.
2. Falling. Why do we all care about falling so much? I mean, when someone else falls it makes my day, so instead of being embarrassed, be proud that you just made a whole plethora of people laugh [at your expense]! And, my personal opinion, the bigger you are, the better the fall! (for onlookers, that is)
3. Sleeping [in class]. I love nothing more than when I'm sitting in class and the person's head in front of me slowly teeters back in my direction as they drift off to sleep, dreaming of what life would be like if Paula Abdul ran the world and Cocaine was finally legalized. Then, right before taking a hit with Paula, Randy, and Simon, they wake up, jerking their head forward as if someone had just smacked their right testicle with a rubber mallet. (Or perhaps left to those who have lost their right to testicular cancer) They then proceed to stretch their neck and move their head around as if that was what they were doing in the first place: like anyone is buying that.
4. Picking A Wedgie. If you have a wedgie you either need to ignore it or just flat out pick it. Putting your hand in your pocket and jostling your underwear around "discretely" is fooling no one: we can see what you're doing in there!
5. Digging for Gold. If you need to remove an item from your nose just do it already, and when someone spots you doing so, don't use the classic excuse of, "I had an itch" or, "My nose is so itchy!" These excuses are even more ineffective if, after "itching" three-quarters of an inch up your nose, your finger now has a booger on the end of it. And don't you dare smear that fresh protein on the bottom of a desk or chair, because my hands always manage to unintentionally find those.
6. Flatulence. Most people, as with pooping, claim that they do not fart. Well folks, you do. My personal favorite is when someone farts and then proceeds to immediately cough in all sorts of different ways, as if to convince everyone that the initial noise they heard was "just a cough". I personally would prefer people know I farted rather than thinking that noise, let alone that odor, came out of my mouth.
7. Getting Hurt. Perhaps this goes along with falling, but I think it is so funny that no matter how bad we get hurt doing something, if their are other people around, we suddenly laugh hysterically with them as if we are fine. The statement, "Oh my god, I think you're bleeding," no longer alarms us as adults, it only tells us we need to laugh harder at our misfortune, for we don't want to make the situation more awkward by admitting we are in pain.
8. Awkward Encounters. You know the situation: you're at a red light being stared at by your neighbor in the PT Cruiser or walking somewhere when you see someone you don't want to talk to approaching so you immediately pull out your phone and pretend to answer a call. There you are, talking away to a piece of metal shoved against your ear with no one talking back to you except the simulated responses going on in your head when it happens: your phone actually rings. You have now taken an awkward encounter and made it downright embarrassing. Congratulations.
Well, I guess that covers a few of the embarrassing moments we all try to cover up. Just remember: as long as your leopard print thong keeps nestling into your Auschwitz and you keep falling asleep while your teacher is lecturing about the effects of having sex, getting Chlamydia, and dying from it; there will be awkward moments. The trick is not to cover up the awkward moments, but expose them for the world to see, kind of like how my good friend Miss Spears exposes us every time she gets out of a car without panties on. That's all for now, fellow reader, I now need to learn how to balance having a blog along with the busy life I already live. You, in the meantime, learn how to balance on two feet; because if you fall, I will be there to laugh at you.
Till next time,
Matt
Stemming off of my "intellectual" discussion of life lessons I've learned in my twenty-one short years of existence, I began to think of how we are conditioned to act a certain way: what is cool, what is socially acceptable, etc. I mean, the way I see it, it seems I'm the only person that ever has to pick a wedgie or extract a booger from my nose. Is this the case, or are we all hiding these actions when we do them? When you're walking with a group of people down the hall and one of them slowly migrates to the back of the group, are their legs really too tired to keep up or do they fear the silent but deadly fart they are about to release may find its way into your nostrils if they remain in front? We are embarrassed at the normal, everyday things we all do, yet we flaunt the fact that we were so drunk the other night we woke up face down in a ditch the next morning with our pants around our ankles wearing a Mardi Gras mask. Saints win! Perhaps most people would like to keep the embarrassing things they do to themselves, but I think I will do the opposite, creating a list of some of my favorites I've both done and witnessed others doing.
1. Spitting. I like to pretend to be manly and spit every once in a while, but what is not manly is when the wad of spit ends up on both my chin and the front of the shirt I'm wearing. And don't even try to spit out of a moving car unless you've got some power behind it. Perhaps the worst, though, is spitting after drinking a big glass of milk, I'm sure you can imagine what that looks like. Have that dribbling from your chin and you'll get people talking.
2. Falling. Why do we all care about falling so much? I mean, when someone else falls it makes my day, so instead of being embarrassed, be proud that you just made a whole plethora of people laugh [at your expense]! And, my personal opinion, the bigger you are, the better the fall! (for onlookers, that is)
3. Sleeping [in class]. I love nothing more than when I'm sitting in class and the person's head in front of me slowly teeters back in my direction as they drift off to sleep, dreaming of what life would be like if Paula Abdul ran the world and Cocaine was finally legalized. Then, right before taking a hit with Paula, Randy, and Simon, they wake up, jerking their head forward as if someone had just smacked their right testicle with a rubber mallet. (Or perhaps left to those who have lost their right to testicular cancer) They then proceed to stretch their neck and move their head around as if that was what they were doing in the first place: like anyone is buying that.
4. Picking A Wedgie. If you have a wedgie you either need to ignore it or just flat out pick it. Putting your hand in your pocket and jostling your underwear around "discretely" is fooling no one: we can see what you're doing in there!
5. Digging for Gold. If you need to remove an item from your nose just do it already, and when someone spots you doing so, don't use the classic excuse of, "I had an itch" or, "My nose is so itchy!" These excuses are even more ineffective if, after "itching" three-quarters of an inch up your nose, your finger now has a booger on the end of it. And don't you dare smear that fresh protein on the bottom of a desk or chair, because my hands always manage to unintentionally find those.
6. Flatulence. Most people, as with pooping, claim that they do not fart. Well folks, you do. My personal favorite is when someone farts and then proceeds to immediately cough in all sorts of different ways, as if to convince everyone that the initial noise they heard was "just a cough". I personally would prefer people know I farted rather than thinking that noise, let alone that odor, came out of my mouth.
7. Getting Hurt. Perhaps this goes along with falling, but I think it is so funny that no matter how bad we get hurt doing something, if their are other people around, we suddenly laugh hysterically with them as if we are fine. The statement, "Oh my god, I think you're bleeding," no longer alarms us as adults, it only tells us we need to laugh harder at our misfortune, for we don't want to make the situation more awkward by admitting we are in pain.
8. Awkward Encounters. You know the situation: you're at a red light being stared at by your neighbor in the PT Cruiser or walking somewhere when you see someone you don't want to talk to approaching so you immediately pull out your phone and pretend to answer a call. There you are, talking away to a piece of metal shoved against your ear with no one talking back to you except the simulated responses going on in your head when it happens: your phone actually rings. You have now taken an awkward encounter and made it downright embarrassing. Congratulations.
Well, I guess that covers a few of the embarrassing moments we all try to cover up. Just remember: as long as your leopard print thong keeps nestling into your Auschwitz and you keep falling asleep while your teacher is lecturing about the effects of having sex, getting Chlamydia, and dying from it; there will be awkward moments. The trick is not to cover up the awkward moments, but expose them for the world to see, kind of like how my good friend Miss Spears exposes us every time she gets out of a car without panties on. That's all for now, fellow reader, I now need to learn how to balance having a blog along with the busy life I already live. You, in the meantime, learn how to balance on two feet; because if you fall, I will be there to laugh at you.
Till next time,
Matt
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Maraschino Mustaches
Well, here I am, blogging like it's 1999. (And yes, I will be bringing back rollerblading, Old Navy Tech Vests, and bowl cuts as well.) I guess you could say I'm just a late bloomer in terms of "blogging", like a Black-Eyed Susan or a Hardy Mum in the fall; unlike the Hardy Mum though, leave me out in the sun all summer soaking in your dog's urine and I will not smell as delightful. I'm finally becoming a man, popping my blogging, well, you know. Thanks for reading this far, hopefully my overuse of the comma hasn't made what I'm trying to convey too unclear and I hope the rest of this is infinitely more exciting and fun to read than this first paragraph: read on future fans! (Yes, I am trying to become Julie from the recent film "Julie and Julia". Unlike her though, I can not cook to save my life nor do I have the money to indulge in anything other than Spongebob macaroni and beef-flavored Ramen.)
Isn't it funny that no matter how many times a teacher tries to beat something into you, like the Pythagorean Theorem for example, you still to this day can't remember if a-squared plus b-squared equals c-squared or your ex-girlfriends cup size? However, pee your pants in the middle of kindergarten nap time and you'll learn quickly never to do that again: no reminders needed. Maybe this example is a bit extreme, but I've come to realize that life is a learning experience: you learn what you should and shouldn't do or say by trial and error, and I've had plenty of errors in my trials. One of my favorite teachers, for example, came to school with a new hairdo one day and I, complimenting her new style, enthusiastically said, "It looks like you slept on your hair funny." Perhaps one of the greatest life lessons was learned when my sister and her dear friend got in the car with Mom and I and I kindly inquired, "Are you growing a mustache?" Sadly, her friend was a girl and, although I thought the dark hair on her upper lip was very becoming, she was in fact not attempting to grow a mustache. Like my dear friend Alanis would say, "You live, you learn." There are many other lessons I have learned through my youthful "trial and error" process, perhaps too many to count, but through them all I suppose I have grown to be a better person and offended a number of people along the way: killing two birds with one stone. Perhaps if I had to sum up the top ten lessons I've learned it would look something like this:
1. The word "Annorexic" is not to be used as a compliment suggesting someone is skinny: it is a disease that most people do not wish to be accused of having.
2. Only people under the age of 25-ish like to be told they look old for their age.
3. If you tell your friends you forgot to dress up for "Wacky Wednesday" at school, don't then go and change in the school restroom so your underwear are on the outside of your pants: they will know that you are now going commando underneath, which is not as accepted in elementary school than it is in higher education.
4. True love, despite popular belief among young people, is not defined by how many times you can write your significant other's name on a piece of paper and then give it to them: obsession is.
5. When dancing with a girl the guys hands go on her waist, something you can not learn by copying the girls placement of her hands on your shoulders: this will end your relationship.
6. The bottle never lands on the person you really want to kiss and, despite popular belief, "seven minutes in heaven" should more cleverly be called "seven of the most awkward minutes of my life."
7. If your barn door is open, make sure all the livestock is back inside before closing it again.
8. Trying to look like a beautiful girl on "switch day" at school is not the cool thing to do: wearing your regular "guy" clothes and putting two overly inflated balloons up your shirt to represent breasts is.
9. Watching a movie with your parents that exposes any part of an actor or actress's "swimsuit area" will never be comfortable, nor will one containing a sex scene.
10. No matter how badly you have to fart, the stomach pain experienced by holding it in is much less painful than the emotional abuse had by letting it out.
Life lived, lessons learned my friend! Take my experiences as factual information, do not commit these same mistakes, for they end in backing down the popularity ladder and/or tacky nicknames that will follow you for the next ten years. I hope to "blog" on a daily basis, so check back for more! No promises though, I'm foreseeing my regularity of blogging will be no more regular than Betty Whites stool cyle, so go easy on me if I'm plugged up with writer's block every once in a while.
TTFN,
Matt
Isn't it funny that no matter how many times a teacher tries to beat something into you, like the Pythagorean Theorem for example, you still to this day can't remember if a-squared plus b-squared equals c-squared or your ex-girlfriends cup size? However, pee your pants in the middle of kindergarten nap time and you'll learn quickly never to do that again: no reminders needed. Maybe this example is a bit extreme, but I've come to realize that life is a learning experience: you learn what you should and shouldn't do or say by trial and error, and I've had plenty of errors in my trials. One of my favorite teachers, for example, came to school with a new hairdo one day and I, complimenting her new style, enthusiastically said, "It looks like you slept on your hair funny." Perhaps one of the greatest life lessons was learned when my sister and her dear friend got in the car with Mom and I and I kindly inquired, "Are you growing a mustache?" Sadly, her friend was a girl and, although I thought the dark hair on her upper lip was very becoming, she was in fact not attempting to grow a mustache. Like my dear friend Alanis would say, "You live, you learn." There are many other lessons I have learned through my youthful "trial and error" process, perhaps too many to count, but through them all I suppose I have grown to be a better person and offended a number of people along the way: killing two birds with one stone. Perhaps if I had to sum up the top ten lessons I've learned it would look something like this:
1. The word "Annorexic" is not to be used as a compliment suggesting someone is skinny: it is a disease that most people do not wish to be accused of having.
2. Only people under the age of 25-ish like to be told they look old for their age.
3. If you tell your friends you forgot to dress up for "Wacky Wednesday" at school, don't then go and change in the school restroom so your underwear are on the outside of your pants: they will know that you are now going commando underneath, which is not as accepted in elementary school than it is in higher education.
4. True love, despite popular belief among young people, is not defined by how many times you can write your significant other's name on a piece of paper and then give it to them: obsession is.
5. When dancing with a girl the guys hands go on her waist, something you can not learn by copying the girls placement of her hands on your shoulders: this will end your relationship.
6. The bottle never lands on the person you really want to kiss and, despite popular belief, "seven minutes in heaven" should more cleverly be called "seven of the most awkward minutes of my life."
7. If your barn door is open, make sure all the livestock is back inside before closing it again.
8. Trying to look like a beautiful girl on "switch day" at school is not the cool thing to do: wearing your regular "guy" clothes and putting two overly inflated balloons up your shirt to represent breasts is.
9. Watching a movie with your parents that exposes any part of an actor or actress's "swimsuit area" will never be comfortable, nor will one containing a sex scene.
10. No matter how badly you have to fart, the stomach pain experienced by holding it in is much less painful than the emotional abuse had by letting it out.
Life lived, lessons learned my friend! Take my experiences as factual information, do not commit these same mistakes, for they end in backing down the popularity ladder and/or tacky nicknames that will follow you for the next ten years. I hope to "blog" on a daily basis, so check back for more! No promises though, I'm foreseeing my regularity of blogging will be no more regular than Betty Whites stool cyle, so go easy on me if I'm plugged up with writer's block every once in a while.
TTFN,
Matt
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