"Dubya"

Great news, readers: God is officially a fan of my blog. I'm not sure if she's tuning in on a regular basis, but I was blessed with so many little things today that I'm concluding she is. God was so proud of me for encouraging my readers to smile at the good in life that she leaned over to Jesus and said, "This kid's the shit, let's make his day incredible". Between my night class being canceled, my teacher announcing he wouldn't collect the homework [I failed to do] until Monday, and me buying myself flowers from Kroger, I had a lot to smile about. I mean, sure, it would've been nice to have actually made it to the classes that weren't canceled on time and for the petals to have actually remained attached to the flowers when I dropped them on the floor, but I'm trying to take my own advice and look on the plus side. You should be happy too, because without my night class being cancelled I don't think I would've been able to write the quality entry that this is not shaping up to be. Smile.

Since starting this blog my days consist of me alternating between real world and blog world: trying to boil up new ideas for what I will so eloquently address later in the day while at the same time catching up on old reruns of "Three's Company". Today, however, I am totally speechless. I'm not talking about the kind of speechless George "Dubya" Bush experienced in the middle of the majority of his speeches he gave as leader of our country, I'm talking about the kind of speechless you are when you've just made fun of someone's, unknowingly to you, recently deceased relative: you don't even know where to start. I pondered blogging about a more serious topic like the earthquake in Haiti, the changing morals of adolescents today, or the tragic death of Anna Nicole Smith, but then I thought: nah. What do you do when you don't know what to say, when you're totally speechless like after awkward sex with someone you barely know? If you think saying, "So how about those Cubbies," or, "I've been loving the weather lately," is going to make the situation you're currently in: lying naked next to someone whose first name is, at the moment, escaping you, any less awkward: you're wrong. Allow me to help you get out of those sticky (literally in this example) situations when you are completely and utterly speechless.

1. Getting Pulled Over. I know from [a lot of] experience that getting pulled over is neither fun nor a time to be chatty, but I think perhaps saying just the right thing may be the ticket needed to work your way out of that drunk driving arrest. Phrases like, "Hey, if you want a beer I have more under my seat," or, "You remind me of Paul Blart, that mall cop," are probably not exactly the right thing to say, but make the arresting officer feel good about himself or slightly uncomfortable and he may let you off scotch free. Suggested phrases to flatter the men in blue include: "Is that your nightstick in your pants, or are you just happy to see me", "If I didn't know better, I'd say I was in Mayberry: you look just like a hot Andy Griffith", or, "I hope there's a strip search involved." (This last one works especially well if you are of the "overweight" ethnicity.)

2. Losing your place in a conversation. You're talking with friends at a party when all of a sudden you remember you forgot to Tivo the new episode of "The Little Couple" and it's already half over. Your mind is so preoccupied wondering if Jen's eggs are harvest-able to have a surrogate mother carry her "little child" that you have no idea what the hell anyone at the party is talking about. Then it happens, your neighbor turns to you and says, "What do you think about it," and a silent hush falls over the room. This is a tricky one, and the best way to worm your way out of the awkward situation you've so beautifully landed yourself in is to turn the table on them. A suggested phrase goes something like this: "What do I think about it? What do I think about it?"(repeated a second time for dramatic effect, emphasizing the words "I" and "it") "I think you people are some of the lowest individuals I have ever met, always gossip this and gossip that; it really disgusts me sometimes." At which point they will reply, "What? We were talking about how sad it is that Jen on "The Little Couple" is no longer a candidate to receive a surrogate mother."

3. Daydreaming in class. There you are, sitting in cultural anthropology daydreaming about that "Girls Gone Wild" video coming in the mail today you so frugally purchased on eBay, when it happens: you suddenly realize the girl in your dream waving her tassels in your face is not shouting your name, your teacher is. You snap out of it, just missing the "barely legal" portion of the dream, and hear her once again repeat the question: "What are your views on the treatment of Muslim women living in America today?" Having not done the reading last night, and really not giving a damn about the treatment of Muslim women, you begin to panic: a single bead of sweat forming right between your eyebrows. To get out of this awkward situation it is important to say something that sounds intelligible, but really doesn't answer the question: ensuring your correctness. I might suggest this: "I think this is a titillating topic, and I really haven't developed my own opinion on it yet as I haven't seen enough women to justify my answer." Not only will the teacher be impressed with this response, but you have managed to continue your daydream into reality: using words like titillating, women, and thinking of developing eighteen year olds. Bravo, friend.

4. Death. No one would make fun of a recently deceased individual, unless we're speaking of Michael Jackson of course, but sometimes we find ourselves making fun of someone we didn't know was dead, only to be informed as we, but no one else, chuckle, that he or she has bit the dust. Friends, this is perhaps one of the hardest situations to dig yourself out of, almost as hard as that time you shouted the wrong name in bed with your girlfriend of eight months. The key here is to pretend you meant to say what you said, you just used the wrong tense of a verb. "Did I say he IS a sick son of a bitch? I meant to say he WAS a sick son of a bitch. I mean, he was so sick from that bad herpes infection that it claimed his life; God rest his soul." It is important after saying this to close your eyes, shake your head slowly back and forth, and purse your lips tightly together in a semi-frown, as if to be reflecting on what a wonderful person your deceased friend was. This will fool them every time if done correctly.

Well, friends, I'm back. Most of you probably never knew I left, but I just returned from Wednesday night drinks with a dear friend. (It's sort of a ritual we have going.) I may have found myself grabbing for words I wasn't ready to say at the bar, but using my own advice to get myself out of those awkward situations I managed to survive. I hope you continue to take my advice, as that beautiful black woman in heaven we all call "God" does, to improve your lives each day: one awkward moment, one speechless phrase, and one little miracle that makes you smile at a time. And remember, that cop that just pulled you over: all he wants to hear is that you fancy his large nightstick.

Much love,
Matt