Well, here I am, blogging like it's 1999. (And yes, I will be bringing back rollerblading, Old Navy Tech Vests, and bowl cuts as well.) I guess you could say I'm just a late bloomer in terms of "blogging", like a Black-Eyed Susan or a Hardy Mum in the fall; unlike the Hardy Mum though, leave me out in the sun all summer soaking in your dog's urine and I will not smell as delightful. I'm finally becoming a man, popping my blogging, well, you know. Thanks for reading this far, hopefully my overuse of the comma hasn't made what I'm trying to convey too unclear and I hope the rest of this is infinitely more exciting and fun to read than this first paragraph: read on future fans! (Yes, I am trying to become Julie from the recent film "Julie and Julia". Unlike her though, I can not cook to save my life nor do I have the money to indulge in anything other than Spongebob macaroni and beef-flavored Ramen.)
Isn't it funny that no matter how many times a teacher tries to beat something into you, like the Pythagorean Theorem for example, you still to this day can't remember if a-squared plus b-squared equals c-squared or your ex-girlfriends cup size? However, pee your pants in the middle of kindergarten nap time and you'll learn quickly never to do that again: no reminders needed. Maybe this example is a bit extreme, but I've come to realize that life is a learning experience: you learn what you should and shouldn't do or say by trial and error, and I've had plenty of errors in my trials. One of my favorite teachers, for example, came to school with a new hairdo one day and I, complimenting her new style, enthusiastically said, "It looks like you slept on your hair funny." Perhaps one of the greatest life lessons was learned when my sister and her dear friend got in the car with Mom and I and I kindly inquired, "Are you growing a mustache?" Sadly, her friend was a girl and, although I thought the dark hair on her upper lip was very becoming, she was in fact not attempting to grow a mustache. Like my dear friend Alanis would say, "You live, you learn." There are many other lessons I have learned through my youthful "trial and error" process, perhaps too many to count, but through them all I suppose I have grown to be a better person and offended a number of people along the way: killing two birds with one stone. Perhaps if I had to sum up the top ten lessons I've learned it would look something like this:
1. The word "Annorexic" is not to be used as a compliment suggesting someone is skinny: it is a disease that most people do not wish to be accused of having.
2. Only people under the age of 25-ish like to be told they look old for their age.
3. If you tell your friends you forgot to dress up for "Wacky Wednesday" at school, don't then go and change in the school restroom so your underwear are on the outside of your pants: they will know that you are now going commando underneath, which is not as accepted in elementary school than it is in higher education.
4. True love, despite popular belief among young people, is not defined by how many times you can write your significant other's name on a piece of paper and then give it to them: obsession is.
5. When dancing with a girl the guys hands go on her waist, something you can not learn by copying the girls placement of her hands on your shoulders: this will end your relationship.
6. The bottle never lands on the person you really want to kiss and, despite popular belief, "seven minutes in heaven" should more cleverly be called "seven of the most awkward minutes of my life."
7. If your barn door is open, make sure all the livestock is back inside before closing it again.
8. Trying to look like a beautiful girl on "switch day" at school is not the cool thing to do: wearing your regular "guy" clothes and putting two overly inflated balloons up your shirt to represent breasts is.
9. Watching a movie with your parents that exposes any part of an actor or actress's "swimsuit area" will never be comfortable, nor will one containing a sex scene.
10. No matter how badly you have to fart, the stomach pain experienced by holding it in is much less painful than the emotional abuse had by letting it out.
Life lived, lessons learned my friend! Take my experiences as factual information, do not commit these same mistakes, for they end in backing down the popularity ladder and/or tacky nicknames that will follow you for the next ten years. I hope to "blog" on a daily basis, so check back for more! No promises though, I'm foreseeing my regularity of blogging will be no more regular than Betty Whites stool cyle, so go easy on me if I'm plugged up with writer's block every once in a while.
TTFN,
Matt
No comments:
Post a Comment