Pepto Bismol, anyone?

I have come to the realization that I have too much on my plate this semester. I'm not talking about a good too much on my plate, like when your eyes are bigger than your stomach and you take a bit too much dirt pudding at a buffet-style wedding reception, I'm talking a bad too much on my plate, like over-loading on the asparagus you didn't know was so horribly undercooked at your grandfather's funeral luncheon. Despite the fact I am carrying the weight of Linda Tripp on my shoulders these days, I hope to keep blogging, and I hope, no matter how many Rosie O'Donnell's you seem to be carrying, that you'll keep reading. Might I suggest you make reading my blog apart of your daily ritual: perhaps before you go to bed, but after you do your nightly Bible devotion. Reading the Bible right before will make you feel less sinful reading my blogs, and by going to bed right after I'll permit you to brag about sleeping with Matt. Deal.

Often times the more busy our lives get I feel we tend to ignore the little things that keep us going and put a smile on our face. I'm not talking about breathing and the beating of our hearts, anyone that says they are happy to be breathing clearly doesn't know how to have a good time. I'm talking about other things, like making it to Mcdonald's for breakfast before their prompt 10:30 (or sometimes 10:29) am cutoff time or seeing someone drop a stack of papers that are now blowing every which way as they frantically scramble to retrieve them: those are the types of things that make my day seem a little more tolerable. I suppose I could invite you to reflect upon the phrases that encourage enjoying the good in life: "Look on the bright side", "Every cloud has a silver lining"; but in my own opinion, hearing those "cute-sie" little phrases spouted off by someone older than my grandmother only seems to dishearten me even more. Besides, who wants to look at anything bright when you're still recovering from the tequila hangover thanks to Taco Tuesdays at Juan's the night before? I'll tell you who: no one. Even I am guilty of focusing on the fast-food restaurant worker's missing front teeth and failing to notice that she is employee of the month, but I encourage you, as I do myself, to notice the positive things that make life worth living for:

1. Mcdonalds' Breakfast. I ate Mcdonalds' breakfast today. I was so elated at my achievement of making it there before my usual 10:31 am arrival I could hardly speak when Taiesha responded to my question, "Are you still serving breakfast", with a less than enthused, "Uhh, Yea." I must have been conditioned right then and there to think Mcdonalds equals happiness, because I went there for a late lunch as well and now am sucking down Pepto Bismol like it's water. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea: Check.

2. Beer. Indubitably there is no need to look for the good in a cold bottle of beer, everyone knows beer typically equals happiness. (except perhaps when you wake up next to someone you thought was far more attractive than they are now all thanks to a series of Keystones you consumed the night before) But, what is the good in a spilled beer, you ask? If it is in fact Keystone that you're drinking, the good is that it spilled: horse piss with carbonation is still horse piss. If it is any other decent beer the good is that, although the bulk of your cold beer is now being licked up by your toy poodle, there's still that one, refreshing little bit of head left in the bottom of the bottle; and I've never heard of a guy that doesn't like a little head.

3. Birds. So often when we're driving on the interstate we fail to notice the beautiful flock of birds flying overhead and instead only focus on how frustrating it is that the idiot in front of us is not driving at the acceptable fifteen miles per hour over the speed limit. I encourage you to take a minute and enjoy the elegance of God's beautiful creatures. Disclaimer: Do not forget, however, that, while observing the fashionable wings of the tufted titmouse, you ARE still driving at a speed of around eighty miles per hour: crash into the median at that speed and the only beautiful thing you'll be seeing is the sexy hospital nurse who is about to shove a catheter into your urethral opening.

4. Compliments. I am a man who likes to pay people a compliment sometimes, but it seems more often than not we are too busy to stop, say thank you, and actually comprehend what the person just said to us. Sure, odds are the compliment about loving your new haircut that actually makes you look like Lloyd Christmas from "Dumb and Dumber" or how that shirt makes you look so slim when actually it accentuates your muffin top will be followed by some rude jokes said behind your back, but who cares, it should make you feel good nonetheless.

5. _________. Fill in the blank! What are the little things that make you happy? I, although very intelligent and quite good with words, can't be giving my readers the answers all of the time. I'm hoping you are taking the scholarly discussions we have had thus far and applying them to your life: holding nightly discussion groups about them, praying about them, etc. Afterall, learning does, in the end, take place from within. (At least that's how Sarah Palin's daughter explained she learned she was pregnant: it took place within.)

Well fellow blog lover, although I have enjoyed yet another session together, I'm off to bigger and better things for the night: There's an old Julia Roberts movie playing on lifetime and I think if I've measured correctly I have just enough citrus flavored vodka left to make an apple martini to go with my easy mac for dinner. I hope you, like me, continue to employ the ideas of my blog to your daily life and, in turn, become more perfect, like me. And remember, although it may be frustrating to have a birds poop smeared in a perfect semicircle by your windshield wipers, think of the beautiful creature that shat it. Makes me smile just thinking about it.

Peace out,
Matt