Pop Goes the Pimple

Well, I've managed to procrastinate beginning this blog now for the last hour: watching YouTube clips of Ellen for inspiration, eating more than the suggested serving of Oreos, dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool, etc. etc. etc... It's almost as if writing today's entry has become more of a chore for me, kind of like that time you didn't really want to go get that rash on your right butt cheek checked out at the clinic but you knew you had to anyway because it was starting to spread to your taint area faster than you could say "Chlamydia". I don't want my writing to become unenjoyable for me, afterall, it's the only thing that keeps me going in my chaotic life full of multi-hour naps and marathons of "America's Next Top Model." Well, it, and the fact that I, without being too obvious, can walk across the entire quad without ever stepping on a crack keep me going.

It's so interesting how we are all so diverse from one another, yet we try to put up a facade that we are nearly identical in our day-to-day actions. Even I, in avoiding all the cracks on the pavement from time to time, try to make my diverseness as unnoticeable as possible. I mean, why not let the world know that underneath those designer jeans you're wearing leather underwear just because you like the way they feel: to each man his own. Sometimes I wish I was the "norm", because then I wouldn't have to try to hide my strange habits that make me the "not-norm", like making funny faces at myself in the mirror and tugging at my jeans every five seconds to make sure the bottom cuff is resting gently on my shoe and not announcing my fear of the upcoming flood. However, I think no matter how hard you try to cover up the fact that you've just popped a massive whitehead in the school bathroom, people can usually tell by the bleeding hole on the tip of your nose. It's these little things we all do, contrary to the "norm", that make each day fun, exciting, and possibly the occasional scary.

1. Clicking or chewing your pen or pencil. Thank god Mr. Bic created the mechanical pencil and the retractable pen, I mean, what a laborsome task it must've been for my grandparent's generation to actually take the cap off of their pen or walk to the pencil sharpener and do the equivalent to churning butter just to get a refined tip on the end of their #2. However, I am not a huge fan of the obsessive pen clicker, or that guy that insists on removing the 2-inch long graphite rods from his pencil and then accidentally droping them on the floor, looking to you as if it's now your job to pick up the minuscule pieces and return them to him. This, my friends, is a habit I am not a fan of. And there's nothing worse than loaning someone your pen or pencil in class only to look over ten minutes later and see that they are now giving it a blowjob. Sick.

2. Playing the drums [via your desk]. I myself was a percussionist back in high school and love hearing a good beat, but when I'm trying to focus on finishing my exam in the last five minutes of class or finishing a science project on the female reproductive system in the library, I would rather not listen to the drum part to the song you're "jamming" to on your iPod. I'm sure it sounds really good when it's played on actual drums and put together with the rest of the band, but keep in mind, to the rest of us listening all we can hear is the "ting" of the chair you're whacking that chewed up pen off of and your wet sneaker squeaking on the floor as you play your invisible hi-hat. This is a niche-niche.

3. Popping pimples. I'm guilty of picking at my face from time to time, I mean afterall, I'd rather have a flesh-colored scab than the glaring white dot that occupied the same place on my face prior to extraction. I am not, however, guilty of popping a zit in public restrooms like some people are. I mean, there's nothing worse than going on a blind date only to notice that after your date has returned from their trip to the restroom they now have a drop of blood dripping down their right cheek. What, did they cut themselves urinating? If you must pick at your face in public, be gentle, nothing is more awkward for the rest of us than battling our inner turmoil of whether to notify you of the plasma now oozing from your wound or to ignore it.

4. Chewing nails. I've never been a fan of chewing my nails and frankly I'm not sure why anyone is. I mean, think about all the places those fingers have been throughout the day: wiping your anus, shaking other's hands that didn't wash their hands after wiping their anus, touching a doorknob that someone else touched that didn't wash their hands after wiping their anus, etc. You get the picture, right? Don't do it... it's gross.

*This is a sidenote to my list, but I just googled "bad habits" to get some more ideas, and two of the bad habits I read were: "Assuming that you'll be able to pull out in time" and "Chronic masturbation." What a classy list I've stumbled upon. Joy.

5. Mouth noises. That's great that you can make that cool little clicky sound with your tongue and when you flick the side of your cheek it sounds like a drop of water landing in a sink, but unless you're going to put those lips to good use, like complimenting my new shirt from Express, you can shut it.

6. Avoiding cracks. I'm not talking about the kind of crack that is at the moment devouring your underwear, possibly never to be retrieved, I'm talking about the cracks on a sidewalk. I am guilty of this little pleasure. I mean I'm not too obsessed with steering clear of the little crevices, but it is quite the fun little game, you should try it sometime. The trick here is to take even enough step sizes to where you don't look intoxicated or under the influence of an illegal drug at 10:30 in the morning but still avoid the cracks and manage not to walk into anyone coming in the other direction, or a parked car for that matter.

7. Looking at your reflection. Every one who is at all mildly narcissistic is guilty of this strange obsession, so naturally, I often frequent the routes that will get me to my destination while at the same time taking me by as many shiny windows as possible. Granted you've worn those pants a hundred times before and the shirt you're wearing is about the hottest thing since a nun's crotch, you still have the urge to look at yourself as often as possible to make sure your ass hasn't doubled in size since you left home that morning. I find to hide this embarrassing obsession the best thing to do is, after looking at your reflection, look in virtually every direction your head will turn so that anyone that may have seen you checking yourself out will now just think you are a very observant person. (or even stranger than they previously thought)

8. Facebook creeping. Perhaps this is the most commonly violated offense on my list, and yet we all try to hide the fact we are guilty of it. It's "cool" to admit you waste half your life away on Facebook, but when someone catches wind that you were "creeping" on your ex-best friend's page for nearly an hour last night and found out that she had an abortion, you're suddenly looked at in a different light. When someone asks you if you heard that Jimmy is in a relationship with that gross girl from high school that everyone thought was a man it's ok to say, "Yeah, I did hear that", but it's sometimes frowned upon if your face lights up like you just found out tomorrow was free grand slam breakfast day at Ihop and shout, "Oh my god I know, I saw that on Facebook!" So creep within reasons, friend, and keep your obsessions with people you have never even spoken to to yourself.

Well, I didn't want to write this blog, and I'm no more excited about it now. All I really want to do is go check myself out in a mirror, pick at any blemishes I may have, and go to bed. I'm curious, though: What are some of the strange habits or things you do everyday that may not be of the "norm" we so often pretend to be? Internet porn? Anime cartoons? Listening to Celine Dion's "All By Myself" on repeat for an unhealthy amount of time? Chime in, fellow fans, I'm beginning to think I am "All By Myself" in this whole blogging thing! Remember: if you chew with your mouth open at dinner, wake up annoyingly perky, or play your thighs as if they were a set of African bongos you may push my patience to its breaking point, but nonetheless you should still be yourself everyday, it's what keeps life interesting.

Fondly,
Matt