George: A man or a woman?

Yay. It is almost Saturday. Ok, I lied to myself just then--It is Saturday. I was considering retiring to bed at a decent hour and not blogging for the night, but then I remembered the promise I made to myself (and my fans) that I would blog daily. In my mind it is still Friday, so please consider this blog as being posted on Friday and not the wee hours of Saturday morning. It's been an eventful night: I've managed to consume a steak (with a bone in it, which I managed not to eat), consume a champion-sized long island iced tea, and apply a temporary tattoo of a drum set: of which the drums are composed of skull heads. Hooray. As I managed to proceed through my nightly events, I couldn't help but think of the incredible academic accomplishments I would achieve in the next 48-72 hours. All lies. Every college student dreams of the weekend as a time to catch up: a time to do the homework you so easily failed to do while you were out at your weekly Wednesday night beer club. I will admit, however, that no matter how hard I dream of becoming a champion of the weekend warrior homework-catch-up club, I weekly fail to gain my worthiness into this elite group. I feel that, despite my lackluster efforts, I am not alone in often times wasting my weekend away catching up on the latest episodes of "Hey Arnold" and "Seinfeld", so I have composed a list of ways to ensure your weekend is an educational success.

1. Turn off the TV. The title pretty much says it all here. Despite the fact that you would like to watch that re-run of the movie, "The Wedding Singer", on E!, let's face it: you've seen it a million times before and you could practically recite Adam Sandler's lines in your sleep. I'm a guilty offender of this excuse not to do my homework. I mean who doesn't want to watch George, an individual who is of questionable gender, play both the clarinet and the trombone within the same song. It's pretty impressive how multi-talented he/she is.

2. Taking a nap. Who doesn't love a good nap these days? Despite the fact that, midday after your long night with that girl you hooked up with at the bar, you want a nap, resist the urge to do so. Besides, if you resist the urges to take a nap you are so desperately feeling now, maybe you can channel those same urges into the activities you and the whore you will so willingly go home with later that night will partake in. Smart move, my friend.

3. Organizing your notebook. Despite the fact that your pages of notes are completely out of order, take it from experience that reorganizing them will not make you learn the material, it will only waste your time. It is so easy to lie to yourself and think, "I'm as disorganized as Rihanna's thought process after Chris Brown smacked her silly", and then suddenly spend the next hour or so reorganizing your notebook to only "enhance" your homework/study experience once you finally get to it. Despite the fact that you now have all your ducks in a row, you are still putting off studying for that exam Monday like a Jew puts off Christmas: they just don't want it to come.

4. Family time. It's so funny how, during the week, we want nothing to do with our family back home in hicks-ville, Illinois, but yet when it comes time to buckle down on the weekend and get some homework done we are suddenly itching to call home and see how aunt Jennine's surgery to fix that twitch she did with her eye went. I mean, call during the week and tell us Grandpa Joe had another bad bout of the shits and we, well, couldn't give a shit, but call on the weekend and tell us Grandma Josephine stubbed her toe on the ottoman and we're suddenly driving home in a heartbeat to wish her well in her state of recovery.

5. Going out. It's funny how during the week getting alot done means what it sounds like: getting alot done. Then the weekend rolls around: a time when getting alot done suddenly means opening the main zipper on your book-bag or lifting your Music History book from your bookshelf to your desk. A time when going out is acceptable only because of the lame excuses we all make for the "academic progress" made throughout the day. Studying Calculus suddenly becomes synonymous with waking up at three, throwing up for the next 45 minutes, taking a shower for the next 10, finding your study guide in the mess of papers you've accumulated the week before, and getting dressed. For some reason I, the outside observer, failed to notice the part where you actually sat down and studied what the derivative of 2x-squared is, but yet you find it justifiable to go out and drink 2x-squared drinks... a math major after my own heart. Cheers to the 1.5 ounces of tequila you are about to choke down with that lime and salt that you've so cleverly drizzled on that girls lower abdomen. Pythagoras would be proud.

There are obviously a number of other excuses made to avoid homework on a Friday night, or better yet all weekend, but I myself am tired of writing about them and would rather go to bed. Perhaps my number six entry would be blogging: I mean I could've gotten a few problems completed in Abstract Algebra in the time it took me to write this uneventful entry, but instead I decided to babble on to no end and bore my fan base of twelve. (I love each and every one of you) Let me try to worm my way out of the rest of this blog by saying: "My Internet was down", or the infamous, "The site wouldn't let me log on", and hope that you, like you so often hope your teachers will, buy it. I'm suddenly losing my Internet connection... must go!

XOXO,
Matt