Don't lose a finger up there!

I could barely sleep last night, still reeling from the excitement of posting my maiden blog entry and gaining a fan base of at least three including myself. Wow. I just kept thinking, this must be what Britney Spears felt like pre-meltdown a few years back: I'm uber-famous! I then continued to lie there, thinking of future blog entries, all the while mumbling the words to "Oops, I Did it Again", until I fell asleep. Sadly, I forgot all of my brilliant ideas by morning, however, I did wake up singing "Hit Me Baby One More Time", to which the maintenance worker in my apartment timidly replied, "Umm, I'm not really into that sort of thing." Who gave her a key anyway?

Stemming off of my "intellectual" discussion of life lessons I've learned in my twenty-one short years of existence, I began to think of how we are conditioned to act a certain way: what is cool, what is socially acceptable, etc. I mean, the way I see it, it seems I'm the only person that ever has to pick a wedgie or extract a booger from my nose. Is this the case, or are we all hiding these actions when we do them? When you're walking with a group of people down the hall and one of them slowly migrates to the back of the group, are their legs really too tired to keep up or do they fear the silent but deadly fart they are about to release may find its way into your nostrils if they remain in front? We are embarrassed at the normal, everyday things we all do, yet we flaunt the fact that we were so drunk the other night we woke up face down in a ditch the next morning with our pants around our ankles wearing a Mardi Gras mask. Saints win! Perhaps most people would like to keep the embarrassing things they do to themselves, but I think I will do the opposite, creating a list of some of my favorites I've both done and witnessed others doing.

1. Spitting. I like to pretend to be manly and spit every once in a while, but what is not manly is when the wad of spit ends up on both my chin and the front of the shirt I'm wearing. And don't even try to spit out of a moving car unless you've got some power behind it. Perhaps the worst, though, is spitting after drinking a big glass of milk, I'm sure you can imagine what that looks like. Have that dribbling from your chin and you'll get people talking.

2. Falling. Why do we all care about falling so much? I mean, when someone else falls it makes my day, so instead of being embarrassed, be proud that you just made a whole plethora of people laugh [at your expense]! And, my personal opinion, the bigger you are, the better the fall! (for onlookers, that is)

3. Sleeping [in class]. I love nothing more than when I'm sitting in class and the person's head in front of me slowly teeters back in my direction as they drift off to sleep, dreaming of what life would be like if Paula Abdul ran the world and Cocaine was finally legalized. Then, right before taking a hit with Paula, Randy, and Simon, they wake up, jerking their head forward as if someone had just smacked their right testicle with a rubber mallet. (Or perhaps left to those who have lost their right to testicular cancer) They then proceed to stretch their neck and move their head around as if that was what they were doing in the first place: like anyone is buying that.

4. Picking A Wedgie. If you have a wedgie you either need to ignore it or just flat out pick it. Putting your hand in your pocket and jostling your underwear around "discretely" is fooling no one: we can see what you're doing in there!

5. Digging for Gold. If you need to remove an item from your nose just do it already, and when someone spots you doing so, don't use the classic excuse of, "I had an itch" or, "My nose is so itchy!" These excuses are even more ineffective if, after "itching" three-quarters of an inch up your nose, your finger now has a booger on the end of it. And don't you dare smear that fresh protein on the bottom of a desk or chair, because my hands always manage to unintentionally find those.

6. Flatulence. Most people, as with pooping, claim that they do not fart. Well folks, you do. My personal favorite is when someone farts and then proceeds to immediately cough in all sorts of different ways, as if to convince everyone that the initial noise they heard was "just a cough". I personally would prefer people know I farted rather than thinking that noise, let alone that odor, came out of my mouth.

7. Getting Hurt. Perhaps this goes along with falling, but I think it is so funny that no matter how bad we get hurt doing something, if their are other people around, we suddenly laugh hysterically with them as if we are fine. The statement, "Oh my god, I think you're bleeding," no longer alarms us as adults, it only tells us we need to laugh harder at our misfortune, for we don't want to make the situation more awkward by admitting we are in pain.

8. Awkward Encounters. You know the situation: you're at a red light being stared at by your neighbor in the PT Cruiser or walking somewhere when you see someone you don't want to talk to approaching so you immediately pull out your phone and pretend to answer a call. There you are, talking away to a piece of metal shoved against your ear with no one talking back to you except the simulated responses going on in your head when it happens: your phone actually rings. You have now taken an awkward encounter and made it downright embarrassing. Congratulations.

Well, I guess that covers a few of the embarrassing moments we all try to cover up. Just remember: as long as your leopard print thong keeps nestling into your Auschwitz and you keep falling asleep while your teacher is lecturing about the effects of having sex, getting Chlamydia, and dying from it; there will be awkward moments. The trick is not to cover up the awkward moments, but expose them for the world to see, kind of like how my good friend Miss Spears exposes us every time she gets out of a car without panties on. That's all for now, fellow reader, I now need to learn how to balance having a blog along with the busy life I already live. You, in the meantime, learn how to balance on two feet; because if you fall, I will be there to laugh at you.

Till next time,
Matt